from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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