I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
