Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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