Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
