This is not my ceiling
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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