Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
