Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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