I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I will be naked everywhere
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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