Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
