I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
