A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
