he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
