If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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