u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
