What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
