I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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