im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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