the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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