the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
