remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
