The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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