Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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