So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ugly people sure do ruin things
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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