I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize