That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
