Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
