Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
