LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
