I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I smell like Dick and happiness
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