I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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