So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
