I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
