could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
