My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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