I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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