you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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