Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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