I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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