I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
