This dress was meant to end up on your floor
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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