I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
