OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
