Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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