Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize