i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
