I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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