Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
