I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
