anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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