Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
