He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
