I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
