Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
