So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
