On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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