Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
