No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Randomize
