So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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