I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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