Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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