After last night, I could never be a politician.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
