I accidentally had phone sex last night
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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