Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
never play flip cup with pint glasses
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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