Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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