so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
