So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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