I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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