i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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