What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
