You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
