Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
